When Is Enough, Enough
Do you ever feel like no matter what you do, you suck? Like it doesn't matter how much heart and soul you put into it, it tanks and tanks hard! So when do you decide that enough is truly enough? I wish I had the answer to this. I truly do! I sit here listening to loud music feeling like an absolute failure!
After I closed my store, I kept the website up because I LOVE writing and thought maybe I can help others. The reality is, I know people don't read what I write and most days that doesn't bother me because I enjoy putting it out there. Today is a day where I can feel myself spiraling downwards, so it does matter. It is funny how that works.
I used to be a person who ran, like a lot! It was one of the things that made me feel like I had control of my life. That and my diet. You see when you are a single mom, or at least for me, you grab onto those things you can control. When I look back now, that control may have been my security blanket. The way to feel like I did have something under control when the world seemed to be spinning around me. In maintaining this control I wrecked my body. I guess you aren't supposed run 10km in the morning, work on your feet all day, do kick boxing classes in the evening, then run the stairs 4xs everyday. For me this made me feel like I was the one who was deciding what was happening in my life.
Now I am broken and have gained weight. When someone says don't stress it is only 5 lbs, DON'T listen to them! That 5 leads to 10 and then 50 and you are then right back to where you were before you regained 'control'. I can't go out to work and I can't workout because the pain and future injuries aren't worth it.
For me this is where my chaos is. It is knowing we struggle with money and try everything I know to bring in money but fail. It is a few other personal things that happen within my life as well but it is the inability to help and also to relieve stress the only way I have ever known.
This is where the feeling like a failure happens! So again I ask, when is enough, enough? You try new things and it feels like there is never support there. You watch others succeed while you struggle. You then think, what is wrong with me? What is wrong with the stuff I have to offer?
I write because while it helps me, I hope it helps someone else too. On days like today however, I know that no one reads it. No one cares what is said.
I read the following phrase the other day and wrote it down and stuck it where I can always see it. 'Your speed doesn't matter. Forward is Forward.' But again I ask, When is enough, enough? I mean, while that phrase has meaning on my good days it means absolute shit on days like these. It doesn't mean anything because on days like these, is there really forward is forward? You or rather I honestly feel like it is more 'backwards will always be backwards and fucker that is the way you go and will always go.'
Is today the day I say Enough is Enough? I am not sure. When I am in my downward spiraling days, I want to delete this website. I don't know why I haven't as it costs me a pretty penny to keep it going. I can write anywhere and have the same number of people read it. Zero.
I think I will go and listen to Ruby Waters while contemplating what I will do. In the meantime, for that one imaginary friend I may have know this, You are special to me and we can wallow together.